Angsty Salad Dressing
by CocoaSamurai45
Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow is abducted by crazed fangirls with puppets. Weird things happen and Harry Potter ends up on top of McDonald's. More weirdness will ensue...at some point!
1. Angsty Salad Dressing, the Beginning

Title: Angsty Salad Dressing

Summary: Jack is abducted by crazed fan girls with puppets.

Pairings: Uh...no.

Rating:K+ ('cuz of the cursing and the rum)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Voldemort, McDonald's, or Pirates of the Caribbean. I also refuse to tell what brand of salad dressing Jack likes to guzzle.

Captain Jack Sparrow glared at the scene in front of him.

The scene in front of him was horrible, hideous, disheartening, scary, and above all...unflattering.

Some weird fangirls had found him, tied him to a beanbag chair, and had decided to put on a puppet show so he wouldn't get bored and have a strange flashback.

Puppet Jack: Why aren't you happy Jack?

Real Jack: I hate you.

Puppet Jack: But whhhhhyyyy?

Real Jack: ...D'you really have to ask that question?

Puppet Jack: We just want to make you happy...

Real Jack: Well...get me some rum and the Black Pearl and we'll see.

Puppet Jack: All we have is salad dressing and a little rubber ducky named Steve.

Real Jack: sigh That'll do.

Strange flashback

Jack Sparrow sat in a bar, drinking low-fat salad dressing and sulking. The Black Pearl needed repairs and his crew had gone off looking for entertainment.

Jack had been horrified when he found out there was a gigantic hole in the bottom of the ship. His crew didn't really look that surprised and pointed pointedly to the below decks swimming pool that Jack had let that crazy guy without hands install.

The reason Jack had let a crazy guy without hands install a swimming pool in his ship was because his crew badly needed baths and a pool seemed the pretty handy (pun intended). A pool was inconspicuous. The crew would jump in, feeling the need to swim and get out shiny and clean.

It just didn't work out that way.

Apparently the man without hands felt very depressed about having no hands and had taken a giant saw to the bottom of the ship while Jack and the crew partied and drank rum.

Jack was a bit dubious about the saw being handled by a man with no hands but all the people he'd questioned had said the same thing: "Sure. Now take off your shirt."

He tipped the bottle up, letting the salad dressing slide down his throat. He wasn't exactly sure why he was drinking salad dressing or why there even was a bottle of salad dressing in the story in the first place, but he felt there had to be a very good reason.

The two crazed fangirls with puppets watched as Johnny-er-Jack fell for their trick. The salad dressing had crushed peppermints in it. And everyone knows when you crush peppermints in salad dressing and give it to an eccentric pirate that they fall asleep. Captain Jack Sparrow was no exception.

Jack frowned as his eyelids started to feel heavier.

"Damn...peppermints..."

End of strange random flashback

Suddenly Harry Potter appeared in front of Jack.

"I'm Harry Potter." Jack screamed at Harry's abnormally large head and passed out.

"That's never happened before," Harry sighed and tottered away to sit on top of Mickey D's.

Harry then fell off of McDonald's because his head was too abnormally huge and Ronald McDonald didn't like his giant M being blocked by Harry's head so he pushed him.

Harry's brains were then fried to make the new, low-fat burger. All the Harry Potter fans went to Mickey D's and ate them and got accepted into Hogwarts.

Voldemort ate one and suddenly became full of angst and the need to hex things that make moo sounds.

oOoOOoooOoOoOooo

A/N

I apologize for all the weirdness. Please accept this humble gift of bribery:

Please review or I may just post a second chapter!


	2. The Kasmack of Angst and Vengeance

Disclaimer: I own the llama and the crazy chick that smacks everything. But...that's about it.

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* * *

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**Ka-Smack of Angst**

**By: CocoaSamurai45**

Jack could feel the salad dressing he'd just guzzled start to come up again. It was as if the salad dressing wanted revenge for something...

---_Strange Random Flashback_---

"'S not very nice to just spring this on someone, darling," Jack Sparrow said to one of his many admirers.

SMACK!

"Well...I just don't see why you would do such a horrible thing. Y'know I can't remain a captain and care for _that _at the same time. And I just got the _Black Pearl _back..."

KA-SMACK, SMACK, SMACK!

"Jack Sparrow! This is _yours_! And you're going to tell me a stupid...**_boat _**is more important to you?" Philamina spun on her heel and stalked away from (Captain) Jack Sparrow and his sorry excuses.

"BOAT! The nerve of that-that- woman! It's just a llama for crying out loud! Not like it's some kid that will later go on to inspire fanfiction for crazed fangirls to write."

He watched as Philamina stomped away, smacking away things in her path and many things that were just innocently standing there thinking mundane and slightly happy thoughts.

The llama that Philamina intrusted him looked at him distrustfully. Jack frowned. What the heck was he going to do with a llama, eat it?

Llamas weren't dangerous, particularly nasty, or piratey. So how would this strange creature fit in his crew then?

Jack sighed. The llama _was_ his. He'd stolen it from a guy he didn't particularly like and then given it to Philamina to "care" for it. He'd thought about it once or twice when he and his crew were down to the last of the leather shoes but that was the extent of it.

He really hadn't expected it to last this long as the people of Tortuga weren't very choosy where their food came from. Llamas were few and far between since the Great War. The Great War had totally demolished the paltry population of wild llamas that roamed the Caribbean.

That gave him an idea...

* * *

_5 seconds later..._

"Llama for **SALE**! Super rare and...in really good shape! Perfect for baking, roasting, or riding. You can even use it as a table!" Jack was going to sell it.

Jacks dark eyes glinted in the lamplight as people gathered to see the rare and exotic llama.

"Now for the low, low price lots of gold, you can have this exquisite beast! It carries stuff, sleeps, poops, and you can even...well, lots of things!"

"Can it sing the Pina colada song?" A very skinny man in front asked. Jack stared at him for a moment.

Then, finding his brain again (which was partying with his lungs somewhere south of Washington) he waved his hand in a dismissive gesture and said, "All llamas can sing! This one is _special._"

People "ooh"ed and "ah"ed at this bit of information.

"Can it huuuuug?" A giant purple dinosaur in the audience queried.

Jack ran. Screw the llama and screw the gold! Purple dinosaurs really creeped him out.

Soon Jack was in front of a giant establishment. He searched high and low for some sort of sign so he could learn the name but couldn't locate one.

"Hmm. This is very...interesting."

"But you didn't tell me, silly! Can the llama huuuuug?" Jack heard the voice of the dinosaur just behind him.

Jack screamed and ran into the mysterious building.

And ran straight into a giant bowl of potato salad. The door to the building closed shut on the giant purple dino and Jack was left alone to look at the giant bowl of potato salad. Odd things seemed to be happening a lot nowadays.

"'S not what I was expecting...Thought this place would at least have one bottle of the stuff." Jack stepped around the giant bowl and looked around. It was pretty empty of everything. No chairs or stairs, tables...rum.

Jack stepped forward only to trip on something. Scrambling to his feet he looked down. There on the ground was a bottle of salad dressing. Strange.

He stepped over the bottle and toward the door. He tried with every ounce of strength in his sinewy, shiny, well-toned muscles but the door wouldn't budge.

Feeling a reasonable surge of anger he took it out on the first thing that he could reach: the bottle of salad dressing.

Just as he began pinching the bottle the door swung open. He shrieked with happiness and tossed the bottle away.

What Johnny-er-Jack didn't know was that a bottle, once thrown away by an eccentric pirate is sucked into an alternate universe.

The alternate universe the salad dressing went to? Only the most horrible, itchy, detestable, and blue of all alternate universes!

Steve.

And so the salad dressing battled day and night trying to find a way out of the detestable, itchy, blue universe he'd been thrown and/or sucked into.

---_End of Strange Random Flashback_---

"So tha's why I'm feelin' green around the gills..." And the fangirls with puppets proceeded to tackled Jack and force feed him Pepto-Bismol.

Jack swore once and for all that he would escape the crazed fangirls with puppets. Even if he had to be eaten by a kraken to do it.

A giantfloodoccurs as his fangirls weep at the thought of his hotness being ingested.

OooOoooOoOoOOoOoooO

A/N

I looked up bribery in the dictionary. And beside it was Jack's face so I guess I'm doing something wrong.

I'm glad that ppl like my strange, weird, crazy, and totally bizarre story.

The reviews must stop though. (I'm using reverse psychology to get you to review. Is it working?)


	3. Angst Soup and the Shet to Germananny

Disclaimer: Why don't I give you three shillings and we forget about me pirating POTC?

_Warning:_ Don't read if you have a strong aversion to weirdness and/or goodie to shoes. Don't be hatin'.

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**Angst Soup In Germany**

**By: Cocoasamurai45**

After the fangirls finished taking pictures and stripping Jack of his pride they sped away to Fart-Mart to go buy POTC collectibles and a really big tv to play their bootleg Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest DVD on.

Captain Jack Sparrow heaved a huge sigh and proceeded to try and undo his bindings. The beanbag chair beneath him squelched and made farting noises but he persisted.

And soon (because the author is a sucker for Johnny Depp and his hotness) he was free. Looking around he saw all manner of horrible devices. Posters, action figures, a Pirates of the Caribbean bed spread, and a humongous cardboard cutout of himself.

Never had he seen himself on so much merchandise. He grinned in spite of himself.

Crazed fangirls never ceased to amaze him...

"My Jack senses are TINGLING!" Fangirl#1 shouted to Fangirl#2. Fangirl#2 gasped and stumbled in shock.

"What could be wrong!" Fangirl#1 seemed to focus intently on a jar of pickled rabbit's toes for a moment before she answered. "He...wants to escape!"

They frowned in confusion. Why would such a hot guy try to escape from two perfectly crazed fangirls such as themselves?

While the crazed fangirls with puppets were frowning at a jar of pickled rabbit's toes Captain Jack was still looking around him in horror and mild amusement.

They even had Captain Jack Sparrow underwear. He'd have to buy a pair when he finished stealing their priceless antiques and rum. Jack liked rum.

Just as he stepped outside a huge jet landed. A man with a rather HUGE forehead stepped out and took in the sight before him.

"Mr. Anderson?" Jack frowned and set the bag of jewels, shoes, and rum down on the ground. "That depends, mate."

"I'm here for Mr. Anderson to give him this jet that goes back in time and gives him the ability to save the universe from evil forces. You him or not?"

As The Man spoke his forehead seemed to get larger and larger. Jack found himself stumbling away from it.

"F-forehead. Big forehead."

The Man frowned like everyone else seemed to be doing in this story and put a hand over his forehead so it wouldn't freak anyone out anymore.

Jack sighed in relief and started listening again. "As I was saying...I'm here for Mr. Anderson. I'm to give him this jet so he can save the world from dark forces like monsters, Darth Vader, _me_, and pirates."

"I'm him! I would love this- uh- what'd you call this thing?" The Man sighed. "It's a jet, Mr. Anderson."

"Well, I'll take it! You say it fights pirates, eh?" The Man nodded. "So where would I find these pirate guys then, so I can...kill 'em and save the world and all that?"

"Uh...just use the ADD. It stands for Active Detecting Database. Not Attention Deficit Disorder... probably. " The Man paused here for reasons unknown and took off his shades that noone had really noticed him wearing. After a dramatic silence he said, "I have to disappear now, but I'll be back later looking totally badass and acting evil."

Jack nodded uncertainly.

The Man raised a weirdly shaped eyebrow. "Goodbye..._Captain_ Anderson."

SHAZAM!

Jack shrugged, picked up his bag of stolen items, and tottered toward the jet. It was sleek and looked like nothing Jack had ever seen. Being a pirate in the late 1700s didn't have many perks like having first aid kits or deodorant.

Trying to locate the door was proving quite difficult so Jack broke through the windshield with a hammer he'd found in his pants. Crazed fangirls had a problem with sticking things down his pants.

Jack sat down comfortably in a leather seat and tried to locate the steering wheel. Finding none he took out his hammer and began to whack things until something happened. And something did happen. Just not what he or anyone was expecting.

A trapdoor opened in the floor behind Jack. Startled, Jack almost fell out his seat. Righting himself and trying to calm his breathing he looked at the trapdoor. What a weird place this was. Full of holes in floors, men with large foreheads, and salad dressing.

Jack didn't waste time thinking of the risk as he jumped into the hole. It was really dark.

Jack pulled out his special night vision plunger to see where he was going. Holding it to his face he could see a figure in the far back of the room. It was wriggling and looked to be trying to butter some toast. Jack inched closer. It looked familiar...

"Will? That you, mate?" the figure's head snapped up in surprise. Huh, guess he was right.

Jack rushed to the figure and untied it because instead of buttering toast as Jack thought it had been doing it was actually trying to escape its bonds. The figure, once loose, reached to the right and turned on a light switch.

"Jack!" Will gasped and embraced Jack. Jack patted him on the back a little awkwardly.

"Always knew you fancied me. Sorry Turner, me sail don't blow that way." Will laughed and they broke apart.

"What are you doin' down here?" Jack asked after a short while. Will looked down at his feet as though ashamed. Jack frowned.

"I was...trying. It didn't work out but I thought...if I could just... THE BUNNY GOT AWAY!" Will sobbed pitifully into Jack's shoulder. Jack's eyes widened and he stepped back. And people thought that _he_ was off his nut.

"What are you talkin' 'bout? Did your bonnie lass get away from you...again?" Will shook his head again still sobbing.

"No! The bunny!" Will made bunny ears with his fingers. Right...Well, the boy was bonkers. That had never hurt his friendships with anyone before. Jack knew lots of crazy people. Jack patted Will on the head and managed to get them both out of the hole.

"Will, I don't have the slightest notion of what you're talking about but I want you to join me crew! I'm going to use this here...uh...shet and raid, pillage...plunder- just like the old days!" Will stared at Jack.

"What about tacos?" Will demanded. Jack sighed. "We'll, um, get some of those too." Will looked satisfied as he sat back in his own leather seat. Jack didn't know what the heck tacos were but he was pretty sure they weren't where they were going.

Jack gave Will another odd look before bashing the controls yet again. This brought up the ADD. Apparently the ADD referred to a large globe.

Jack studied the globe as Will picked his nose and rubbed his mouth suspiciously. The little glittery lights seemed to indicate the places he needed to go. Jack decided to go to the place with the most glittery dots first. And that placed was called Germany.

"Must have soup there,"Will muttered from his place by the controls.

"So where is your bonnie lass these days, dear William?" Jack asked when he was once again at the controls. Will sighed and said, "She left. Said she didn't like me licking her feet." Jack chuckled.

"And I guess you what? Got caught doing something you shouldn't?" Will chewed a toenail pensively.

"No, that's not it. I was just eating some air one day and these guys in black came and called me an alien and tried to zap me. I ran to Fart-Mart and these crazed fangirls with owls kidnaped me. Then these guys came and said they were going to sell me on C-bay. And they sold me to this guy with a really big forehead. That's why I was down there trying to butter toast."

Jack just nodded and "mmm"ed.

They were certainly not in Kansas-er- the Caribbean anymore.

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OoooOoOoOooOOooo

A/N

Thanks again for reading (if you did) I appreciate any reviews 'cuz they help me know I'm alive.

If you have suggestions for any future chapters such as new characters or situations that would be coolio with a side of mayo.


	4. Angst Ridden Plot Bunnies and Big Hair

Disclaimer: I don't own anything 'cept the shet and the stuff the police can't identify. Everything else was either drug induced madness or brilliance on the part of the writers and creators of PotC or some other well thought of thingy.

Warning: Extreme stupidity ahead. Ye Be Warned.

**The Author SPEAKS**: I would also like to say to that all grammatical-ish-est mistakes may be attributed to this story not making sense which can be attributed to the author wanting the story to not want to have to want to make sense. MWHAHAHAHA! Weeee! Woooot!

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**Angst Ridden Plot Bunnies**

**By Cocoasunshine45**

"Hey! Get down from there!" Captain Jack Sparrow shouted up at a currently mad Will Turner. Will Turner was on top of the shet-er-jet. Jack sighed explosively at his bad luck.

Apparently while Jack's well toned back was turned Mr. Turner had made a very...messy hole in the ceiling. Bugs and discarded power tools were now everywhere. Jack wondered why he'd not heard the insane laughter and buzz of power tools _before_ Will thought he was monkey and climbed onto the top of the shet.

A happy yell ripped Jack out his salad dressing induced musings. "Cracker Jack! There you are. I thought you'd hopped away like the bunny!" Jack shook his head and turned back to the task at hand. Which was eluding him at this time.

Oh, yes, now he remembered: a crew was needed! Will wasn't functioning currently and he needed a functioning crew in order to...do piratey things.

Germananny seemed to have all his needs. (I changed Germany to Germananny to not get sued by Germans who don't like me for some very unknown reason I'm not allowed to discuss).

"Eeeeek! Cracker Jack, I see a pickle!" Jack turned away from the globe in surprise to see that Will was right. A giant pickle was heading their way.

_Jack_: Really.

_Will_: I can't keep doing this if you're just going to spring this stuff on us. I mean, flying pickles? Llamas? What's next, some guy in tights coming and doing the hokey-pokey?

_C.S_.: Uh...do you have a problem with guys in tights doing the hokey-pokey?

_Jack_: Not really.

_Will_: Well I bloody do! I refuse to work this way!

_C.S_.: What about the contract?

_Jack_: She's right, mate. We have to be her story slaves until we die in an unexpected and rather humorous fashion.

_Will_:...I, uh ...Sorry...?

_C.S_.: Accepted but now you have to be attacked by flying demon popcorn. Savvy?

_Will_:...Do I get to...fight anytime soon?

_C.S._: No. Act crazy and be attacked by randomness.

"Is that...demonic flying popcorn?" Jack asked looking at the sky in horror. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Will lowering himself in through the hole in the roof. Will looked delighted.

Jack was not amused.

The author smiled evilly. Jack was sort of amused. Will frowned.

"Pickles, demonic flying popcorn, and the shet to Germananny. It's got potential."

"Cracker Jack? Sweetie pie?" Jack looked at him in thoughtful horror.

"Yes...spawn of Bootstrap?" Jack said slowly. Will did the macarena. Jack died of fright. Will brought Jack back and pointed him toward the window. Jack promptly died again because Will touching him was just _wrong_.

Jack awoke to Will being attacked by demonic flying popcorn and a...giant...pickle...? Yes, Jack thought, that is in fact a giant pickle. The pickle grabbed a power tool and began smacking Will on the head. Jack did a double take. Jack then hopped to his feet and started beating Will on the head with a power tool as well.

After brutally killing Will for the seventeenth time, the giant pickle and Jack realized they'd forgotten about the flying demonic popcorn. Searching far and, um, farther, Jack and the giant pickle (that Will had named Josie) found they couldn't find the flying demonic popcorn. Eyes (and seeds) finally fell on the floor where Will was lying and eating a curiously struggling bucket of popcorn.

"Oh."Jack said.

"..." Josie didn't say anything 'cuz she's a giant pickle. The message wasn't clear.

"Shoes that taste like demonic flying popcorn are yummy," said Will licking his fingers.

"Nothing like Will eating demonic flying popcorn to make you realize that being not sane does not have many perks." Jack said happy that he was not not sane

"...,...,...?" Josie asked, miming a pyramid made of picture frames and toothpaste. Jack nodded uncertainly and plotted their course to Germananny.

Will snapped out of his demonic flying popcorn induced faze in order to act very indecently. This meant coming onto Josie the giant pickle.

"Do you believe in love at first sighting me and hitting me on the head with a power tool or do you have to hit me on the head with a power tool again?"

"...!" Josie yelled silently and hit Will on the head with a power tool. Will slunk away to watch Jack beat the controls with a wrench and then when nothing happened, a hammer.

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Upon arriving to Germananny, Jack and Will were amazed at how many people there were. And by how many funny hats there were. Lots. A whole lot of funny hats.

Jack and Will were in heaven. Josie was mistaken for a hat and got carried off on someone's head. Jack watched in fascination as a nubile minx walked by wearing a hideous purple hat in the shape of hair. After a few seconds of barely veiled staring he realized it was her actual hair and the weird hats were actually really big, colorful, hair. It was frightening.

Jack decided rum was needed if he was going to stay in this place for more than an hour.

Will decided that he really wanted some chocolate that tasted that cheese. As none existed Will clamped his teeth on someone's chocolate cheese colored hair.

"Hey! Get off my hair you freak!" Will, surprised, spit out the hair only to meet a pair of familiar eyes.

"Dad?" Will said softly.

"NO! Don't you know the face of your own fiancé?" Will blinked.

"I'm Elizabeth." Elizabeth said slowly. Will nodded uncertainly. "'kay."

Jack had seen the whole interaction and swooped in to save Elizabeth from the fate of banging Will on the head like everyone else seemed to be doing lately.

"Lizzie, darling!" Elizabeth stumbled back in surprise and died necessarily on a misplaced shoe. (Mwhahahahaha NOONE CAN HAVE JACK, NOONE!) Then she came back because Jack just didn't seem as hot when he was sad.

"Chris is back in black!" Will shouted happily. Jack and Elizabeth nodded uncertainly like Will had done earlier only without the stupidity.

"Jack, what are you doing here?" Elizabeth looked at Jack searchingly which involved a lot of touching and Jack playing with a rock for some odd reason. Will looked on unhappily.

"My rock," he said and grabbed the rock that Jack was holding. Jack cleared his throat nervously instead.

"Locating a crew that you will no doubt want to join," said Jack and grinned persuasively.

Elizabeth smiled dazzlingly and slapped Jack across the face (A/N: Skank).

"I don't know if I deserved that..." Jack said slowly.

"Cracker Jack's a whistle."

"Jack...you don't know why I ran away, do you?" Elizabeth's voice was so small and vulnerable both Jack and Will had to lean in closer to hear.

"But why don't you tell us, love." Jack said, voice like coarse velvet.

"Elizabeth..."Will murmured. Jack and Elizabeth looked at Will in surprise.

"What? Do I have tepees on my face again?" Will patted his bottom frantically.

"Uh...you were saying?"

"I ran away because I couldn't bear it any longer!" Jack stumbled back in surprise and landed on a soft cushion.

"Bear? WHERE!" Will ran away...backwards. Jack and Elizabeth cringed when he walked into a pole and landed sideways on a pile of really sharp glass. Then they stopped caring about Will and his stupidity and focused on important stuff.

"Couldn't bear what, darling?" Jack asked as Will stumbled into a hardware store and ran out, people beating him over the head with wrenches, screw drivers, hammers, and pink ducks.

"My life. I was trapped, Jack, and I couldn't get out," she looked away in despair. "My father, society, the dichotomy of good and evil, and even my dresses were all trapping me! Sealing me in the proverbial gilded cage, locking me up and throwing away the proverbial key, and keeping me locked up behind the proverbial bars."

Jack nodded in semi-understanding and grasped her hands.

"Course they were. You seek freedom and all they gave you was a leash. Why don't you join me and your dear William and we can brake free of society's rules!"

Will, floating unconscious in the water gave a little spurt of agreement. Elizabeth looked torn.

"Can I trust you?" Elizabeth asked tentatively.

Jack's eyes widened and Will choked a little in shock. Could she trust two men who'd vied for her attention, stole things, killed people, and...liked to do it? No, but it wasn't like she could trust anyone else.

"No, but it's not like you can trust anyone else. You can become part of me crew or you can stay here, wondering if you could have had something greater." Jack wasn't one for making ultimatums but in this case, it was worth it.

"Y-yes, you're right. I'll do it."

"Good. Get rid of the hair and we have an accord."

Elizabeth tore off her hair, revealing two marmosets and a fat man named Hic. Then they were off to find a crew. And Elizabeth knew just the place.

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oOOoOoOoooOoOoOOo

A/N

I must say that I was not prepared for people to actually like this story. At all.

Tank u berry mooch for being so nice. I reward my followers very handsomely...MWAHAHA. Uh...never mind. This is fun writing and I don't even know how to spell philanthropist. Oh. I do. Well. That's good.


	5. GAH

Disclaimer: I don't own PotC. I do own your soul. Read or I will smoosh it with a one of Will's pet mutant bunnies. They tend to explode. Good luck.

Warning #3: Stuff's gonna happen. You might have trouble using the bathroom and/or picking your belly button after this chapter. Ye Be Warned.

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**GAH**

**By CocoaSamurai45**

Elizabeth led Jack and a zombie-like Will to the best place in Germananny for finding pirates. That place just happened to be covered in frilly pink stuff and glowing green shoelaces. It was very...interesting in Jack's opinion.

"What kind of pirates do we hope to find here, dear Lizzie?" Jack asked with an amused air. Elizabeth sent him a scathing look that went unnoticed by Jack.

"The kind of pirates you should hope to never meet, Mr. Sparrow," Elizabeth replied waspishly. Jack's eyes widened but he did not press the matter because the matter took offense to being pressed upon and he didn't like pressing matters that didn't need to be pressed.

Will's left eye started twitching when he looked upon the building. He took it as a good sign and took out his frilly pink dress he'd been saving for this very occasion and slipped it on.

Elizabeth's eyes traveled to Will and then rolled to the back of her head before she passed out cold on the ground. A chipmunk came and stole her wallet. Then a couple of bugs- who Elizabeth owed money- cut off her lips and pasted them to a shoe for some strange reason.

Jack watched this going on for some time and then tipped some rum on the ground.

"For my homey," Jack muttered before stepping on Elizabeth's face and entering the strange frilly building.

Will, before going in, bent down and passionately kissed the shoe that had Elizabeth's mouth pasted to it. It tasted strangely of pecan pie.

Jack closed his eyes and entered the building. "I would like to assemble a crew, anyone who thinks they have the proper piratey attributes then he, she, or it, may step forward," Jack said quickly and nervously before opening his eyes. And seeing a very dark, dingy, and crowded room.

'Smells bloody awful in here,' Jack thought and helped a very girly Will step over haphazardly strewn bodies.

"NOOOOO!" Will yelled and snatched his hand out of Jack's.

"Uh...do I want to know what you just yelled about, mate?" Jack asked looking at Will. Will pointed down and Jack was horrified. On Will's frilly pink dress...there was blood.

"Will...are you hit?" Jack choked out and stepped closer. Will shook his head. "No, Elizabeth's from where I stole her gold teeth." Jack grimaced. "Elizabeth...doesn't have gold teeth."

"Oh." Will said and laughed manically, while lightening appeared overhead and a pitchfork flew into his hand.

"Right...you wait outside and I'll do the recruiting. Now."

"Okey-dokey," Will said perkily and skipped off somewhere to mumble incoherent death threats and crazed musings.

"If only I had that hammer..." Jack mused because he liked the word muse.

Looking around all Jack could see were burly types. That usually meant all muscle and no brains. These weren't usually traits Jack looked for in a crew and he certainly wasn't going to start looking for now.

Schooling his face into a primitive scowl, Jack headed into the belly of the beast- er- the large crowd of burly types. Will frolicked amongst some daisies and got run over by a very badass car. The driver's headseemed be shining for some reason.

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oOoOooOoOoooOOOo

A/N

Sorry the chapter was so short. I just wanted to stop there and see if anyone has some ideas of pirates they'd like to be apart of Jack's new crew. Just name some personality traits and characteristics you want in a pirate and I'll be happy to make them into Jack's new swabbie-er- shipmate. Just include the profile of your perfect pirate in your review. Easy peasy lemon squeasy.


	6. Angsty Midgets of DOOOM

READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!

Disclaimer:I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist cuz it belongs to...what's his name? Whatever, it belongs to him and I don't own PotC cuz it belongs to that rat-er-mouse.

NOTE(S): No Edward Elrics were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Alright...perhaps one, but that's all. I refuse to edit because I feel it takes away the oompsfaa of my story. Anything that makes this story clearer shall not be used.

WARNING: Insanity and mildly unkind language ahead. Please reconsider reading this in favor of something more savory or at least a tad more sane.

WARNING#2: Mexicans, lesbians, small people, gay persons, and a transvestite are in this fanfic. I am not gay-bashing or any kind of bashing. People request therefore I do. Don't be angry at the portrayals of any of these characters because this is all merely humor. No harm intended. BEWARE. LAST WARNING: Strange formatting ahead. Interviews and other strange ways of writing dialogue included in that statement.

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Angsty Midgets of Doom

By CocoaSamurai45

"I told everyone I would be back looking badass so don't go looking all suuuuuprrrrrrised," drawled the man with a large forehead from an earlier- and much more understandable- chapter.

Of course, you allout there in thereal world replyas though you know what he is talking about. Noone really knows what he is talking about so everyone checks earlier chapters. Yep, there he is, saying he'll come back looking badass and evil. (A/N I'll bring him in, don't worry)

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Will's Slightly Disturbing, Great Adventure 

"I want a squishy," Will Turner says intelligently to a flagpole while Elizabeth is being eaten by wild parakeets.

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"Now, which one of you...highly evolved...things...want to join my crew to raid, pillage, and plunder?" 

"Uh, I guess I'll join. I'll be the normal, slightly sarcastic member of your swashbuckling crew," said one NORMAL looking guy wearing jeans and a t-shirt and slurping a soda. Jack nodded uncertainly, feeling the incredible urge to do the polka. He squashed the urge and moved on to another table that was not so normal looking.

"Any one of you not-so-normal-looking guys want to join my currently not-so-able-bodied crew?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING TOO SHORT TO BE PART OF YOUR CREW SO IT'S NOT SO ABLE-BODIED!" Roared a hyper Edward Elric (that I do not own). Jack took a surprised step back and collided with one of the most horrendous looking creatures he'd ever had the misfortune of laying eyes upon.

"Chuga chuga, baby!"said the horrendous looking creature Jack had ever had the misfortune to lay eyes upon. Jack promptly screamed in fright and hit it with a hammer.

The thing in question had a pink afro, funky disco clothing, a fetish for toy trains, and liked to sing opera. Since the only mind reader Jack could think of was distraught...in jail, Jack had no way of knowing the man-thing had a fetish for toy trains and liked to sing opera so he didn't know that. What Jack did know was that looking like the 70s personified wasn't normal.

The figure after laying prone for a few minutesgot up and did the Hustle.

"Looking like that ain't normal," said a giant lobster at the bar.

"Right you are," said an equally giant boomerang with gills and a pet hatchet named Boom Boom. Jack felt the strong urge to get out of this pink, shoe lacy place.

Suddenly three Mexicans showed up. Jack immediately accosted them.

"I MUST have you in my crew. You guys are Mexican and you also seem as ataxic as I am. Always a good combination in my (at the moment), inebriated opinion. Whoa, I know a lot of big words!" the Mexicans looked at Jack questioningly then proceeded to laugh uproariously at his inebriated expense.

"You are the drunk pirate recruiting anything within a 3 mile radius?"

"I'm not drunk, I'm inebriated... very thoroughly so," said Jack, tipping to the side. "And I am not recruiting things. People only." Jack glared at the plant that had been following him around.

"Is that so? Well I'm Ben. This is Hector," Ben gestured to a fairly attractive man who was striking a pose, " and this here is Glucosencoffsleiderhosen the 3rd," he made a sweeping bow to a skinny little guy with no hair and beady eyes.

"Er, uh, Glooseycoughmeisterhuffdaddy...?" Jack attempted, then, "Um, does he have a nickname?"

"Yes-a, my nick-a name is Jane," the skinny lad said in a deep booming voice. Jack jumped in surprise, a slightly forced smile on his face. "Jane. Well...that's a fine name that is! Welcome to the team fellas!" Jack made a hasty retreat to the bar to down more rum before going to another table.

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THE INTERVIEW SECTION: 

Table #3

Capt. J. Sparrow: "Hello, gents and half-lasses! I'd like to introduce meself but you seem like the stalker type."

Transvestite: "Uh..."

Lesbian#1: I HATE YOU AND YOUR DAMN MALE PRIDE! I WANNA DIET SODA!

Lesbian#2: ALL PONIES MUST DIE! We're in anger MANAGEMENT! Censor MANAGEMENT!

Transvestite: "I look pretty."

Capt. J. Sparrow: "Good! You can start on Monday. Good day!" -runs for dear life-

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Table #4 

Capt. J. Sparrow: "Hello...fabulously dressed gay individual."

Blatantlygay person: "You are so cute. What are you doin' over here, honey?"

Capt. J. Sparrow: -flattered- Well, I was just thinking of recruiting you. Do you really think I'm cute? (A/N Who doesn't?)

Apparently a gay person who likes Jack: "Who doesn't? Anyway, my name is Lorenzo, but you can call me Sweet. And I'd be honored to join your crew...Captain."

Capt. J. Sparrow: Well, if you like, I can buy some drinks and we can talk about this a little more..."

Lorenzo: "Sorry, I'm not that kind of guy."

Capt. J. Sparrow: "Oh."

END OF INTERVIEWS

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NOW WE GO BACK TO SEE WHAT THE FANGIRLS HAVE BEEN UP TO! 

Fangirl#1: Are we done thinking?

Fangirl#2: I dunno.

Fangirl#1: ...Johnny Depp is hot.

Fangirl#2: Why have we reentered the story when, really, we haven't anything to do with it or anything else.

Fangirl#1: But we have puppets.

Fangirl#2: ...Can we go now, author person?

Author Person: Sure.

Johnny Depp: Can I have the puppet before you leave? It's really lifelike.

Fangirls: NO! Johnny Depp is ours and you can't have him.

Johnny Depp: But I am Johnny Depp.

Fangirls: You don't look anything like him. The face is totally different.

Johnny Depp: Can I still have the puppet?

Fangirls: We'll give you 'NASCAR Jack' if you don't touch us cuz you're not Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp: Deal. And I'll trade you my 'Pregnant Jack' for a 'Supermodel Jack'.

End of Fangirl section b/c it was getting quite tiring trying to keep the puppets away from Mr. Depp.

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"You can join the crew too, just don't ever look at me again," said a blindfolded Jack. He was thoroughly afraid that if he looked at Mr. Beckett again his funkiness would blind him for all eternity. 

"And Mr. Elric...you can join too. Just. Stop. Stealing. My. Hat." Edward Elric sent Jack a dirty look before handing it back. He'd looked dead sexy in that hat. Rubbed in grease, he'd be the perfect male midget stripper.

Mr. Elric hit the authoress on the head with a perfectly good rubber ducky and took off for Jack's esteemed shet.

"Mister...what's your name?"

"Normal."

"Ah, Normal. That's...interesting. Well, Mr. Boring, go make sure that midget doesn't drive off with my shet."

"Okay, but I don't really think he's going to listen to me..."

"Whatever, just go!" Jack kicked Mr.Normal and proceeded toward the bar to drown himself in cheese crackers. Rum does only half the work after all.

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OoOoOoOOOooOoO

A/N

Sorry for all the stuff up top. This story was a blast to write though. I tried to make it not so chaotic but this is how it turned out. Lather, rinse, and repeat if you feel oncoming nausea or tension headache. Have a nice day.


	7. THE AUTHOR'S NOTE TO RULE THEM ALL!

Disclaimer: Uh...I don't get it...You know I don't own anything you recognize right? Good. Now you do. Read on and be amazed and/or disgusted depending on your sexual orientation and your knowledge of pineapples.

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Title: THE Author's Note to RULE Them ALL! Yes, even that squirrel named Bert.

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Hello peoples of all shapes and sizes. I have posted this relatively disturbing authoress' note to say that this story is on hiatus as of a couple of weeks ago...probably. I mean, it iz on hiatus but I don't remember when I decided to put it on hiatus. Roll with me here.

If anyone knows why this story should or should not be hiatus-ed then let she or it speak or forever ever ever ever ever ever ever hold their piece. Not that I want reviews or anything. What I really like are not reviews. Yep. Lots and lots of not reviews from not people who don't not not like my not story which is really an abomination of all that is fanfiction. I'm a very busy hobbit with lots of not things to do with my increasingly lessening time. So there. Now go away.

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P.S.

I will so totally not be writing for a little while due to extraordinary lack of brain activity and large doses of school work in the form of homework and projects given by unhappy alcoholic teachers with much too much time on their hands. Thank you for probably not understanding but reading this absurdly posted A/N.

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Final Words:

(That Aren't Really Final Because This Story Is Just On Hiatus And Not Permanently Left To Fester On My Currently Foul Profile Like Some Wart On Someone's Bum)

Jack: Um...wha's goin' on?

Will: Don't forget the tacos.

Elizabeth: Why do you keep killing me off? Am I really that bad?

- emphatic nod from Lizzie haters-

Gov. Swan: Oh dear, what am I doing here? Is that...a llama?

Lorenzo: I'm fabulous.

Normal Guy: Later. -a random person smacks NORMAL guy on the head with a penguin-

Edward Elric: Will I ever get taller! -Lorenzo gives Ed high heels-

Rest of the Crew:...Why don't we get individual Final Words like the rest?

Authoress aka CS: Because I forgot all your names and I'm too lazy to write them out.

Johnny Depp: Do you want to see me take my shirt off? -fangirls (and a few guys) nod emphatically-

Johnny brings his large hands to the hem of his shirt and starts to tug his shirt up. His dark eyes are darker all of a sudden and his lips are curled in a playful smirk. You watch, enraptured, as he slowly brings the shirt up past his pants. You can see his hair curling on his forehead, the sweat running down his face. You inch closer and Johnny touches your face with one hand and continuing to slowly raise his shirt with the other. You close the distance and finally ki-

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WE INTERRUPT THIS SPECIAL SHOWING FOR A TOTALLY POINTLESS AND HORRIBLY TIMED INFOMERCIAL! 1shiftkey

_Orlando Bloom_: I would like to say that I am horribly affronted at your attention to Johnny and not to me. I'm way hot and my first name is plain adorable. I demand that you worship me. -fangirls (and some guys) start bowing down to giant posters of Orlando Bloom and writing steamy fanfictions featuring Orlando Bloom-

_Orlando Bloom_: Thank you. Now, wanna see me take my shirt off? -ALL nod emphatically-

Orlando looks positively delighted to see this and his smile is gorgeous. He licks his lips sensuously and the cameras that are focused on his face suddenly explode into fireworks. His intense eyes are focused only on you. They are dark and full of bubbly amusement at your face which is suddenly not apart of you any longer. His hands remained curled at the hem of his dark blue shirt and you fervently wish that he would get on with the show. Suddenly- like a few daydreams you've had- he begins to shuck his shirt. You glance a lithe torso and then your eyes are drawn to his face which is right in fro-

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I INTERRUPT TO SAY THAT THAT'S ALL FOLKS! Please feel free to discuss this piece of steamy goodness with your parents and any other potentially over reactive persons in your life. This was completely pointless but entirely unnecessary.

STORY NOW OFFICIALLY ON HIATUS. Uh...NOW!


	8. Cast of Nonsensical Characters

Disclaimer: I disclaim everything. I don't own Barney, Harry Potter, McDonald's, or the POTC cast.

Note: This is for your reference just in case you're having trouble with or would really just like to look at the characters of this story. I may be updating the list if any new characters come tumbling in.

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**Cast of Nonsensical Characters:**

_Capt. J. Sparrow:_ Captain of the pirate hunting shet. Jack was kidnaped and made to battle evil and stuff by a guy with a rather -ahem- large forehead. Jack instead decides to use the jet (shet) to his own ends and goes off to find a pirate crew so that he can raid, pillage, and plunder his splendid black guts out. Having procured a crew in Germananny what will be in store for our persuasive and inebriated captain next?

Elizabeth Swann: Elizabeth has been beaten, stolen from, made to trip and fall on sharp objects, and has just joined up Captain Jack Sparrow. All this in order to escape from her caged existence and aid her temporarily insane sweetheart.

Will Turner: Will has gone temporarily insane and isn't in right now. Please leave a message and he'll call you back as soon as he's able to pick up the phone without sticking it in his a- BEEP -

Fangirl #1: A crazed Jack Sparrow/Johnny Depp fan who will stop at nothing to get all the Johnny Depp/ Jack Sparrow merchandise she can fit in her room.

Fangirl #2: Fangirl #1's accomplice. Together they kidnap Jack Sparrow and make him sit in a squelchy armchair. They have yet to learn his new whereabouts.

The Man: A strange man that showed up with a jet when Jack was escaping from the two crazed fangirls. He has a large forehead and an even larger appetite for something that Jack doesn't really know (but he hopes is not his perfectly sculpted body).

**Jack's fairly jolly crew: **

_Beckett: _A flashy guy who has a pink afro, funky disco clothing, a fetish for toy trains, and likes to sing opera.

_Edward Elric:_ A rather small member of Captain Sparrow's crew. He has a bad temper and even looks sexy without Jack's hat. He really likes Jack's hat.

_Goldie:_ A lesbian member of Jack's crew who has a short temper but is very keen on gold and anything with gravy. That includes gold with gravy on it.

_Cremella:_ Yet another lesbian in Jack's crew of rebellious misfits. She is quick to anger and also likes to steal miniature figurines of dogs.

_Jane:_ Jane's full name is Glucosencoffsleiderhosen the 3rd. Though he looks Hispanic, his past remains shrouded in mystery and a fair amount of weirdness. He is very skinny with beady brown eyes and a bald head.

_Ben:_ One of Jane's friends. He seems to be the spokesperson for both Hector and Jane.

_Hector:_ Hector is attractive, strong, likes to strike poses...and is utterly useless. Hector is mute and partially def in his left ear.

_Lorenzo:_ Lorenzo is a gay mastermind who also goes by Sweet. He has his own agenda but seems content to flirt with Jack...for the mean time.

_Mr. Normal:_ He's normal (and quite boring in Jack's inebriated opinion). End.

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**__**Characters That Appear but Probably Won't Show Up Again**_

_Philamina_: A somewhat crazy woman whom Jack left a llama. She really likes to slap things.

_Crazy Guy With No Hands: _He's a crazy guy with no hands that put a giant hole in the bottom of Jack's ship. There was peanut butter involved.

_Josie: _A giant mute pickle. Will tried unsuccessfully to woo her. Apparently she was mistaken for headgear and now resides on someone's head.

_Harry Potter: _Boy wizard with an enormous head. Either his huge head or Ronald McDonald made him fall off the roof of a Mickey D's. Mysteriously no trace of him has been found. Many happy customers say that Harry Potter's bigheaded spirit haunts the famed fast-food establishment. Others say that his body was used to make the new lowfat burger.

_Barney:_ A purple dinosaur capable of human speech. Jack Sparrow fears him greatly and runs from him in the beginning of the story.

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I crave reviews. And Harry Potter brain burgers.

But I like reviews better.


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